The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
