I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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