I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
