Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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