that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
