your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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