I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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