I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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