I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
