Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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