woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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