i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
