he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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