if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I touched a dick in church today
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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