i love accidental penises.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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