I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
