If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
