hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
