You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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