I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
