between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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