I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
