i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
