Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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