I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
