3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
