cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
