2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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