I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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