All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
