I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
