The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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