I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
