dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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