just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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