I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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