My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it was like eating out sand paper
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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