The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
