As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
