yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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