So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
