i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
