I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
