the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
