i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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