Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
