I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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