Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
