Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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