she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
